She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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