first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.