i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
