Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
