She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
