Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
