I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
