My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
