oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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