apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.