I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
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I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
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I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.