guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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