Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm at about main and main street
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
