I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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