I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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