If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
