Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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