so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She tied me up with her honor cords...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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