the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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