He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Couch. On fire.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
