my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
