I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
