Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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