the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
