im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
