That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
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I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
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Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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