i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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