I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
