i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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