I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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