Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
