I'm passing your future prison.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
