that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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