you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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