i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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