At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
