she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
