My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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