Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
