I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
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found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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