The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
