My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
