i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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