ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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