nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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