I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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