Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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