I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
