he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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