remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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