guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
