That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
