You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
