...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
