somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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