I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
